On the one hand, I (and my mother) am thrilled that I have lost 50 pounds. On the other hand, I still have that amount again, twice, still to lose. More, actually, since I need to lose about another 120 pounds or so. Ack. When I think about it like that, it sounds like a really big number. Better not to think of that. Let's think about wins, so as not to become utterly discouraged.
One win this week is that I have really been tracking my carbs, and I actually had 2 normal fasting blood sugar readings this week. Down from my all-time high of 3 normal readings in a week, but way up from last week's result of zero normal values. I will take the wins where I get them, thank you very much. 2 normal results is a third of the way to all normal results - - baby steps, people. One day at a time.
The other win is that I finally broke out some of my size 22 clothes, which is the size that I now am, compared to size 26, which is where I started. On Friday I wore a pair of size 22 jeans into the office, and although they were tight (not grotesquely so, just not loose), they fit, and I got compliments on how good I looked. :-) Today I looked through my clothing archive (carefully organized under improvised garbage bag garment bags, grouped by size) for my size 22 clothes. Apparently I blew through that size pretty fast (at least according to my mother), which suggests that I held on to the size 20 clothes much longer than I should have, because I was almost ready for size 24 by the time I transitioned into size 22. The net result that I had very few size 22 clothes compared to other sizes.
The archive for size 22 was somewhat sparse. A skirt, a scarf, and one jacket. That will not hold me for long, that's for sure. The jacket, however, is a nice green tweed, that I bought as a casual Friday jacket for use with jeans. I tried it on and could do it up for the first time in literally years, and it looked nice. Because it was the same size as me, the shoulders actually came around the same width as my actual shoulders, instead of looking like massive 1980s-era shoulder pads. Sweet.
And I got compliments with the jacket. I wore it shopping today and my mom loved it (she remembered the last time I wore it, years ago), and one of our friends commented how much she loved the jacket when we met them for dinner tonight. Double sweet. :-)
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| Photo courtesy PhotOZraphy, licensed CC-BY-SA-ND |
I discovered one thing about my twisted psyche today, however, which is that I am not comfortable wearing clothes that fit. Strange, no? I am so used to wearing clothes that are too big, literally overflowing off of me, that I can use them almost like a cape or protective layer, hiding how my body really looks. When you wear clothes that fit, your actual size is obvious - - the clothes highlight your form. I am still uncomfortable in how I look (relative to the general population), so that wearing size-appropriate clothing makes me uncomfortable. I can't hide in it like I could hide in my old black size 26 suit jackets. In time this will be self-repairing. Either my current clothing will become too loose, in which case I can use it as a shield, or I will become more comfortable with my form, and I won't mind if my clothes fit.
I found it interesting that I only discovered this when putting on the jacket that fit well. Strange how one's mind works.
Another win (yes, I know, I said there were two wins when actually there are 3. You should know by now that there are always 3 things with me, just like the Spanish Inquisition) is that the Nerd and I went for a 3.3 mile walk this afternoon, uninterrupted by breaks. This walk felt pretty good, and it took under an hour to do, which is my fastest time yet for that distance. A couple of months ago I would not have even thought I could walk a couple of kilometers, let alone three+ miles.
I am enjoying the feeling of being able to walk places in the city. Today we walked up to Dundas Street, then back down to Front Street and over to Sherbourne Street. I was actually surprised when we reached Dundas, because the street appeared much quicker than I expected - - after all, it's 2 subway stops north, which is a Long Way. Well, maybe the old me would have not been able to walk that distance, but the new me actually suggested the walk, and enjoyed seeing the sights.
The fact that I was able to eat extra food at the Mexican restaurant this evening because of the calories expended on the walk was just a bonus, I swear [grin].
Onward and downward!
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