Old Jeans (with photos)

This week has been another slow and steady week.  No illicit snacking at the office combined with my regular meals and workouts (including a visit from Mr. Fitness) have combined for a loss of just over half a pound.  It would have been more, but for the debauchery of last Friday's street housewarming party, for which I was paying most of the week.

We had another housewarming party this Friday for friends and coworkers, but this time I managed to keep my snacking impulses in check.  Not only that, I tracked what I consumed, which made it easier to stay on the right path.  Still, temptation abounded, and I was lucky that my hostessing duties kept me pretty distracted (we had 42 people over) otherwise it could have been another snack food disaster.

This weekend has been hugely social, with the housewarming, coffee/shopping with the matriarch, a book signing for one of the Nerd's hockey buddies, and then a 40th birthday party BBQ for another friend.  I kept snacking to a minimum at the latter because the hosts, while lovely people, let their 2-year old lick all the fruit, crackers, and cheese and then put them back on the trays, so there was no way of knowing what food was safe and what food had boy cooties.  Better safe than sorry, I say, so I avoided it all.  I have no problem with boy cooties generally, but I am choosy as to the source.

On a completely unrelated note, in preparation for our big house move I spent a lot of time beforehand cleaning out closets and cupboards of unwanted or unused things (the way one does before a move).  One thing I discovered was my blue jeans historical stash.  I had been keeping one pair of each size of jeans as they no longer fit.  Because I started at a size 26 you can guess that this amounts to a number of pairs of jeans between the starting pair and my current size 14s.

To say my current self is a mere shadow of the clown pants that I used to wear is an understatement.  Put another way:

Those are some - shall we say capacious - pants right there.

They all went to the Goodwill donation box during the move, but I'll always have the photo of the jean archive to help keep me on the straight and narrow during social weekends like these ...

6 months with the personal trainer (with photos)

Time sure flies when you are pushing yourself to work out every day.  And by "flies", I mean, of course, "passes predictably with the rotation of the earth around the sun". 

It has snuck up on me, but believe it or not it has been 6 full months that I have been working with the personal trainer, Mr. Fitness.  We have had 23 sessions in that time and the only missing sessions have been planned in advance around our respective holidays - - I am pleased to say that I have yet to cancel one of our workouts, no matter how little I look forward to some of them (high intensity intervals, I'm looking at you!).

My objective in working with the trainer was to help me break through that plateau that had me trapped cycling in the 200-210 pound range, and to help me to be stronger and more toned.

On a purely numerical level, we have achieved positive results.  I have lost more than 20 pounds since I began working with the trainer (although I confess to giving up some of these losses thanks to my recent trip to PEI with the Nerd).  Rather than the low 200s, the 180s are now my easy set point.  Getting lower will take still more discipline and work, but it is very achievable given the results I have seen so far.

As for my measurements, these appear to be stabilizing.  With the trainer I have lost around 12", to bring me down to a size 12-14 (in pants, skirts and dresses) and a M (in shirts and tops).  I still struggle with my own self-image as a "big girl" so I find it difficult to believe that a size medium top will actually fit me, but time and time again when I chicken out and default to the large I discover that those tops are too big for me.  Eventually I will learn to accept the reality that I am a size medium.  In the meantime this means that the Nerd and I actually wear the same size tops, so I can steal his clothes.  Tee hee.

The body shape is where I see the most difference:

My biggest frustration at this point is with my loose skin on my arms and belly.  Sadly, there are sequellae to being super-obese, and loose skin is one of them.  It is not ridiculous and obvious like some people experience - - I don't have giant flaps of skin hanging everywhere - - but there is definitely excess tissue making it impossible to tone as much as some other people.  I am very happy with the tone that I do have, though, and where I am less toned, like my belly, I like the suggestion of tone, assuming that is the best result I will see. 

Some nice changes I have noticed since I first began working out: I enjoy wearing colour more than I did before.  Although I still wear an inordinate amount of black, that's more because it's a very flexible colour for a professional wardrobe rather than the camouflage that it used to be.  I now preferentially seek colour for outfits, and this is a nice thing.  I am embracing colour as I come out of my shell with my weight loss. 

Another change: I do not dread body hugging clothing any more, and in fact I am more likely to go out of the house in yoga pants and an exercise top than ever before.  When I was heavier I believed in the magic of layers, which is poor magic at best.  Almost no one looks thinner by adding layers, but that it the delusion under which I laboured when I was heavier.  Eventually I will feel confident when I wear workout clothes out of doors, but for now I am glad to have the option. 

Another, more profound change: I am no longer automatically the biggest person in the room.  In fact, I am just as likely to be considered "average".  This by itself gives me confidence because I know that people are much less likely to be judging me by my food choices or making assumptions about my intelligence or work ethic because of my weight (sadly, this is a thing that happens, and happened to me).  Sure, there are still jerks out there, but as a more stereotypically "normal" looking person I can blend into the background in a way that I never could when I was heavier. 

A friend said last night that I am the same person I was when I was heavier, I just look different on the outside - - my essential inner core remains the same.  This is true.  But people make so many judgments on the outer package in this world that even though I am the same person, I am viewed differently.  People at the office are surprised to look at photos of me from my heavier days because they do not associate me with "a fat person".  News flash: I was just a "person" - - the weight was not the defining factor.  Now, at least, it is less of a distraction.

So six months in with Mr. Fitness and things are progressing nicely.  I am pleased with my results and don't see changing my routine anytime soon.  Our Thursday grueling workouts will continue, holidays and vacations permitting.

Here's a gratuitious photo from our holiday in PEI, taken in front of the Confederation Bridge:

Walking in Prince Edward Island (with photos)

The Nerd and I are on holidays this week visiting family in Prince Edward Island.  We drove out with our looms over a couple of days (it turns out PEI is quite a hike from Toronto), and arrived Sunday morning on the Island.  It was a Very Long Drive.

I always find holidays to be somewhat stressful in part because my routine gets shot all to hell - - staying with family means no gym full of equipment near to hand and lots of meals out.  A fun time is had by all - - and don't get me wrong, the Nerd and I are having a fabulous time - - but the lack of routines can be challenging.  For example, 2 days of road food and all the Tim Hortons cookies we can eat (which is a lot) can really mess up good eating habits. 

Nature's awesome majesty

But we are here safe and sound on the Island and after a Sunday afternoon of more poor food choices we have gotten back into the swing of things with a modified healthy plan of activity.  We are trying to replace our usual workouts with nice walks through the area.  We are paying attention to what we are eating and drinking.  We are volunteering to cook our usual repertoire of healthy balanced meals rather than eating out for every meal.  Every little bit helps.

Confederation Trail map

One of the fun things we did today was walk part of the Confederation Trail.  The Confederation Trail is not unlike Toronto's Beltline Trail in that it is a multi-use trail installed where a railway once passed.   Used as a walking and cycling trail in the summer, the 410 km of crushed gravel path is used as a snowmobile trail in the winter.   The Trail extends from one end of Prince Edward Island to the other and makes for a simply wonderful walk.  The Nerd and I spent more than an hour exploring part of the Trail this morning for our morning constitutional and the entire time we saw two people - - in stark contrast to the Beltline with its traffic jams of runners, walkers, and people walking dogs and pushing strollers. 

View on the Trail.  Notice the complete absence of people.

We ended up walking 4.92 miles or 7 km this morning, which means we really walked about 3.5 km along the Trail (out and back), leaving a mere 406.5 km of Trail left to explore.  We're probably not going to finish walking the entire Trail on this visit (!).   

Aside from the legions of mosquitoes which made walking almost unbearable at times, the walk was peaceful and lovely.  The Nerd and I really enjoyed the walk and are definitely going to walk more portions of the Trail tomorrow...after bringing more bug spray with us for safety. 

We did a lot of sightseeing today including visiting a couple of local Island distilleries (that make Shine as well as a variety of spirits) and stopping for ice cream in downtown Souris (the local small town).

I can imagine you saying to yourself: "Ice cream?  Again?  But what about eating healthy?".  My response is my usual "It's all part of my balanced day that includes an hour of hiking to ensure that we have burned enough calories to let us have ice cream, silly".  Because hey, ice cream makes a long walk in the woods surrounded by mosquitoes totally worth it. I regret nothing.  Ice cream is delicious.

NSV: Best experience at airport security ever

So last weekend I took a "girls' weekend" trip to NYC.  We stayed in my friend's apartment on the Upper East Side, half a block from Central Park, on the fifth floor of a walkup building.  You want stair training?  Try walking up 5 flights of stairs every time you come home - that will boost your numbers precipitously. While simultaneously crushing your will to live.  So there's that.

We did a lot of walking around Manhattan, and a lot of eating and drinking - - Mexican food for lunch, Chinese food for dinner, and street food (arepas, fried Oreo cookies, mini doughnuts, whoopie pies, salted caramels, bruffins, maccarons, and twistie cones) for snacks, and wine - so much wine.  All that eating (and drinking!) combined with all that walking and the post-vacation weight gain is not as extreme as I had feared.  I probably have all those damn stairs to thank, so "thank you, never-ending staircase".

On the way home we had to get in line for security screening at the airport, first to be screened by a TSA agent who checked our boarding passes and ID, and then to be screened by the x-ray and metal detector.

The TSA guy who was checking ID and boarding passes looked almost asleep - - he was slumped over in his chair and if he was awake, he was doing a fine job hiding it.  But he was the first person who did this: he looked at my passport (photo taken in September 2011, when I was near my heaviest), and he looked at me, then he looked back at my passport, then back at me, and then he said: "You got skinny", as he handed my ID and boarding pass back to me with a grin.  I tell you, it made my entire day.  He is the first person to comment on the noticeable change in my appearance between the passport photo and how I look live and in person, in all of my recent trips.  Photo comparison of my September 2011 passport photo and a photo taken from last weekend are at the top of this post. 

It's not that customs officials, TSA agents and gate agents don't notice - they do, I can tell from the quick double takes that they do when they look at my ID - it's just that no one says anything out loud.  The etiquette on mentioning someone's weight loss is a tricky thing - - many people worry that I am ill, and they are relieved to hear that my weight loss is intentional.  People seldom lose as much weight as I have lost without being sick.  I get that.  But it's also really nice to have my progress called out.  It made my entire day, I tell you!

Before and After...the Purple Dress (photos)

Those of you who are regular readers of my blog may remember wayyyy back at the end of 2012 when I had lost about 74 pounds (to get down to around 260 pounds) and had gone down 3 dress sizes from a 26 to a 20.  I was very excited to finally have the courage to wear a boldly coloured dress to our annual firm holiday party, and I chose a bright purple number. 

Today we were cleaning out the closet for clothes to donate to charity and I stumbled across a bunch of my old "big girl" dresses, including the purple dress.  I remember what a big deal it had been for me to even try this dress on, let alone wear it to the party. 

This is what I looked like back at the end of 2012, compared to today:

Holy crap.  Bear in mind I was looking super glamourous today because Mr. Fitness was about to come over and kick my ass so I was dolled up in yoga pants and tank top for my workout.  But still - - wow, what a difference!  Looking at today's photos I feel like I melted somehow, or maybe deflated, because there's so much room in the dress (even over my workout clothes).  Bearing in mind that I currently wear a size 12-14 (depending on the style), I am down a further 3-4 dress sizes from that first photo, and another 70+ pounds lower than I was then. 

Now let's please have a moment of silence for the boobs that I used to have, because there was no way the present state of the girls comes even remotely close to filling out that dress.  It would be frankly indecent for me to wear this dress without a top under it.  And I'm okay with that. 

PS: Mr. Fitness well and truly kicked my ass tonight - - I am still weak from our workout.  I should be feeling the sweet sweet burn of DOMS tomorrow...

Progress Pics - 5 months with trainer

It has officially been 5 months now that I have been working with Mr. Fitness, and we have completed 20 sessions (I thought it had been 22, but it turns out I can't math).

Things are happening, that's fo sho.

Since starting with the trainer I have lost more than 12 inches, especially off my waist, hips and thighs.  Sweet.  Since I first started working out more than three years ago I have lost more than 66 inches.  I know I have said it before, but that just blows my mind.

Here's the comparison of how I looked when I started working with the trainer (after I had been working out on my own for almost 3 years), and last weekend.  In each photo you can see that things are just tighter and more toned overall.

I frankly expect that all the dramatic changes are done, and what I am going to see from here on out is more of the same - - more toning, more tightening, more definition overall.

I feel strong and healthy, and I am loving how my arms look - - my shoulders especially.  I love having strong shoulders - - I am going to be so good at hugging!

15 months and 1.5 pounds ... or 51.3 pounds down

Achievement unlocked!  I hit a significant milestone this morning, weighing in at 184.9 pounds, which: i) brings me within 20 pounds of my goal; ii) makes me a middleweight for the first time in 15 years (and potentially a "Rumbleweight" welter, depending on how much Johnson lets himself go).  Even more significant, my weigh in this morning marks the successful end of a 15 month fight to lose the weight gained from not one but two major backslides, one when I was job hunting and hating my work and one at Christmas last year when I gave myself permission to eat All The Food (although I must tell you, the Nerd's sugar cookies are delicious). 

All in all I put on - and lost - and regained - and relost 51.3 pounds over these 15 months.  But now for the first time in 15 months I am seeing a weight on the scale that is lower than before.  This morning, I am finally back to losing weight rather than relosing weight I had only recently lost .  I am breaking new weight loss records, in other words. 

To date I have lost 149 pounds (counting linearly from what I weighed in January 2012), which brings me to within 20 pounds of my ultimate goal of 165.  The last time I weighed this much/little was in late 2000 or early 2001, right after I had starved my way to a normal weight and then immediately resumed my poor eating habits and sedentary lifestyle.  Needless to say, with my eating habits and compete lack of exercise I did not retain my losses, and by spring of 2002 I had put on more than 75 pounds from my low.

This is less likely to happen now for a few reasons.  First, my eating habits have seriously evolved over the past 3 years since I have begun working on this lifestyle change.  I understand portion control, I focus on drinking enough water in a day, and I do not binge eat as long or as frequently as I used to.  I also eat more fruit and vegetables and much less cheese and carbs than I used to.  That's not to say that I don't love cheese and carbs, but I just don't make them the focus of every course of every meal like I used to.

Second, my exercise habits have dramatically changed.  I enjoy the time on the elliptical in the morning, and regular exercise is now just a normal part of my day, rather than a tedious chore to be endured.  I like staying active, and I enjoy being able to walk around the city with the Nerd. 

Third, and most importantly, I have a supportive helpmate in the Nerd who keeps cooking us delicious, healthy meals and doesn't try and undermine me by bringing irresistible treats into the house.  I do not exaggerate when I say that I could not have achieved this without his support and encouragement. 

Finally, I am gradually adopting a more zen-like approach to weight loss.  I understand that some months my body simply chooses to retain all the water and I will put on weight for no apparent reason.  And some months I will crave snacks more than others.  No matter, though - - I understand at a very basic level now that putting on a pound or two - or five or ten - is not the end of the world just as long as I get my head back into my program and focus on eating well and exercising regularly. 

Case in point was my recent trip to the Mothership in Atlanta.  I enjoyed many meals out and sampled a variety of wonderful southern cooking including ribs, pimento cheese, fried chicken and collard greens and banana pudding.  I ate wayyyyy over my normal calories during that trip and came back to Toronto about 8 pounds higher than when I had left.  Rather than getting despondent however, I knew that much of this would be sodium-induced water weight that would come off quickly once I got back into my routine.  And the weight that did not come off quickly would come off slowly, but it would still come off.

The first time I lost a significant amount of weight (back in 2000) I did not have this certainty.  Each pound was a struggle, and when my weight started creeping up again once I resumed my poor eating habits and stopped exercising (i.e. almost immediately), it felt like I could never take the weight off again.  The task felt overwhelming, and therefore it quickly became overwhelming.  I can tell you from brutal - and repeated - experience that it is much easier to lose 5 or even 10 pounds than it is to lose 50 or 100 pounds. 

So this morning I weighed 184.9 pounds.  19.9 pounds to go until I reach my goal weight.  I expect than my target weight zone will end up being 165 pounds +/- 5 pounds, and as long as I keep within this range, all will be well.  We'll see how it goes. 

Onward and downward!

March Measurements

After this week's weigh-in at which I came in 20 pounds down since I started withing with my personal trainer, I suspected that my measurements this month would be interesting to see.  And as you can see from the chart above, so they are.

I lost 4 inches this month and I have lost 10.5 inches overall since I began working with the trainer.  Since I first started working out back in January of 2012 I have lost more than 64 inches, or more than 5 linear feet.  This explains why I fit into airplane seats more comfortably now.  It doesn't explain how I ever fit in an airplane seat in the first place, but that's a mystery for another time.

The photos also show the progress with the trainer:

My objectives when I began working with the trainer were to continue to lose weight to help me reach my goal of no longer being overweight, and to tone things up.  So far Mr. Fitness is delivering on both objectives, in spades.

I am stronger, more confident, and more comfortable in my body than before I began working with the trainer, and that's all to the good.  We will see what April has in store.  Hopefully I can continue to see positive results.  I don't expect to see the dramatic changes that I saw in March, but I want to keep improving over the next month.

New Clothes [with photos]

In preparation for my trip down to the Mothership in Atlanta next week I thought a couple of new outfits were in order. 

Calvin Klein dress

I picked up a couple of new dresses, both perfectly fitting off the rack in a size 12, a nice red t-shirt in medium and a shrug, as well as a pair of nude shoes for the new dresses.  When I was looking for the shrug to go with the colourful dress, the sales clerk at the store looked me up and down and said "you're a medium, yes?" (!).  In fact I am, now, a medium, down from a 3XL.  Yay!

Betsey Johnson dress

As if all that weren't nice enough, I picked up some pantyhose to go with my new outfits (because legs this pale are not allowed out in public uncovered at any time).  For the first time in memory I am do not require queen size pantyhose!  I am a "medium-tall" at my height and weight (i.e. a normal size rather hose than plus size), and the pantyhose fit perfectly, with no penguin legs at all (ladies, you know what I'm talking about when your pantyhose is too short and the crotch hits somewhere mid-thigh).  I was nervous about trying on the pantyhose because it has been about 15 years since I have worn anything other than queen size, but the fit is perfect (with room to spare, even).  It's a little thing, but it's a personal victory for me. 

All in all it was a triumphant day. 

NSV - Wore a shirt without a jacket at the office today

... and got a ton of compliments!

The shirt in question.  No, I did not wear yoga pants to the office.

Normally I wear a suit at the office, because it's professional, and I'm a tight-ass lawyer.  That, and I have not been a huge fan of my arms over the past 10 years or so. 

Last night Mr. Fitness came over to kick my ass for our usual session (we did a "pull day", in case you were wondering), and we talked about the different things that motivate different people. 

Those of you who have read back into my earlier posts of this blog will know that I have an almost unholy love of spreadsheets and tracking apps.  I find the mere act of tracking my workouts and progress to be incredibly motivating.  After all, the more things that I track, the greater the likelihood that one metric, at least, is going to be moving in the right direction.  Since I have started working out more than 3 years ago I have, at various times, tracked my weight, body measurements, blood pressure, fasting blood sugar, A1C, HDL, LDL, triglycerides, cholesterol, resting heart rate, working heart rate, and workouts within various heart rate zones.  As these metrics have become - or remained - normal I have stopped tracking everything daily or weekly as I once did.  Fasting blood sugar, for example, I only track once in a while to check to see that I am still in the normal range. 

This came up in the context of discussing the Trainerize app that I regularly use with Mr. Fitness - - it's right in my sweet spot, a combination of tracker and something to check off every day.  I love that Mr. Fitness has this tool available.

But Mr. Fitness also talked about the non-scale victories that are also an important part of working out.  Like feeling more confident. 

It's no secret that I have been loving the changes that have happened since I have started working with Mr. Fitness.  He has really kicked my workouts into high gear and his targeted approach is yielding positive results.  I know that we're both working at this - - I try and eat well every day (or at the very least, more often than not, even in a bad week), and I work out 6-7 times a week, even though Mr. Fitness and I only get together once a week.  But the whole is really greater than the sum of the parts in my case, and I have started to really feel good about what I am looking like.  Still a long way to go, but I am definitely seeing noticeable improvement. 

I was feeling so good that this morning I decided to wear a form fitting top into the office without a jacket or other cover-up (it was casual Friday, after all).  Normally I would have hidden this under a jacket or sweater or bunny hug, but today I decided "screw this - I have been working on my arms for a reason - let's show 'em off!".

It turns out that jackets, sweaters, and bunny hugs have one major effect: they contrive to hide how much my shape has changed with my workouts.  It makes sense, in a way.  Adding layers hardly ever makes anyone look lighter, after all.  Layers just hide how heavy you are.

Well today I was coming back from making myself some tea in the Company kitchen and I walked past a group of people who sit near my office.  They were surprised to see me without my usual layers of camouflage, and said all sorts of nice things, the gist of which was: "Wow!  You look great!  How much weight have you lost with the trainer?" When I told them how much (13 pounds, which now that I think about it is wrong, it is 14 pounds now), they were suitably impressed.  "We never see you without a jacket!  You look amazing" was another comment. 

These guys work with me and have heard my stories about working out with Mr. Fitness.  This only solidified his reputation as a miracle worker.  Regardless, though, it was a really great feeling to have people say such nice things about how I look.  Especially considering how much work I put into it! 

Now I will admit that for the rest of the day whenever I left my office I made a point of walking with my shoulders back and sucking in my gut as much as possible - - thank god no one stopped to try and speak to me, because it would have blown the gaffe immediately. 

2 month progress with the personal trainer

As you know I let myself go completely off my program, food-wise, in December.  Too many social events, too many stressful things happening at home and at work, and frankly too many excuses - - I simply gave myself permission to eat like the "old days".  The "old days" being when I ate whatever I wanted and weighed more than 300 pounds as a result.  Yeah, those days sucked.

That could not go on, and a happy confluence of receiving a small inheritance coinciding with my hearing about the husband of one of my coworkers at the pop factory being a personal trainer led me to begin working with Mr. Fitness at the end of December of last year.

I was expecting to see results.  I knew that a trainer would both push me harder than I was used to pushing myself and that he would make me do things I had never done before (deadlifts, anyone?).  The combination of these two things I was certain would yield results - - I was sure that I would be stronger and more toned as a result of working with Mr. Fitness. 

But holy cow.  There is a difference between intellectually understanding that I would see changes in my body and actually seeing those changes.  Even with a couple of weeks of unbridled emotional eating at the beginning of January (around the restructuring in our office when I Ate All The M&Ms) I have seen positive results on all fronts.

Let's look at the easy things first.  I have lost 13 pounds since I started working with the trainer (and 139.9 pounds overall), and that is net of the January M&M binge and last week's Oscar party with multiple pieces of nutella flower and cookies(!).

I know that this is well-trod ground for me because it is easily the third time I have lost this weight, but I am confident that working with Mr. Fitness I can keep the momentum going this time.  I have no choice, frankly, as he takes no pity on me and pushes me more each week.  Which is kind of the point, I suppose.

My measurements tell the same story:

Everything is toning up under the trainer's ministrations.  Since I have begun working with Mr. Fitness I have lost an inch off my bust, 2 inches off my waist, and 2 inches off my hips.  My legs and arms are also more toned. 

All well and good - let's look at the photographic evidence, shall we?

These photos show only the period from when I started working with the trainer, to now, two months later.  My core and arms and legs are much more toned than when I started working with the trainer, and although my arms are not bilaterally symmetrical (thanks to my carpal tunnel in my left hand), I am getting stronger every week.  Overall I am much stronger than before I began working with the trainer, with better balance and coordination to boot.

If anyone is considering working with a personal trainer, I recommend it.  If anyone in the GTA area is considering working with Mr. Fitness, I doubly recommend it.  He is virtually a miracle worker.

It's not all up to the trainer, of course.  I work out 6 days a week - - only one of those days with Mr. Fitness - - and I have been really working hard to control my snacking (other than on Oscar night, of course).  It takes both of us to whip me into shape - - the trainer can't do it all by himself if I'm not motivated to change.  But I have to tell you - - it feels so much easier working with the trainer, because now I have a structure to my work, and I see that there is a point to it all.  And that point, kids, is sexy arms. ;-)

I'm not ready for bikini season yet, but tank tops may make an appearance.  ;-)

Progress Pics - Holy Crap

It has been a full month now that I have been working out with my personal trainer, Mr. Fitness.  I was pretty sure that things were tightening up (in a good way) and I was noticing things like a bit more definition in my shoulders, so it was with interest that I measured myself this morning.

The results: indeed, things have been happening.

I am down more than 3 inches across my various bits and pieces compared to last month, and I am down more than 56 inches when compared to before I began working out. 

My conclusion: the personal training thing is having the desired result.  Sure, it takes a lot of work, a lot of sweat (both on my own and with Mr. Fitness at our weekly sessions) and no small amount of swearing.  The swearing thing may be optional, but it sure makes me feel better.  I am sure there is science to support that - - someone somewhere must have studied that. 

I have lost 9 pounds since I started working with the trainer, and 135.9 pounds overall in the three years that I have been working out.  Let's see what that looks like, shall we?

I can definitely see things are firming up from the back compared to last month.  Nothing dramatic (after all, it's only been one month), but some progress nonetheless.

The profile view is more striking.  I have definitely lost some of my gut and butt compared to last month.  Please disregard the whimsical slippers, which did nothing to pull together my outfit.

Overall, I am pleased with what has happened to my body since I started working with the trainer, and this only reinforces my determination to keep up those weekly workouts with Mr. Fitness, and also to hold up my end of the bargain by doing my own workouts on days that I am not working out with the trainer (after all, he's good but he's no miracle worker, and I can't expect to see significant results without significant effort on my part - - it can't be all on him).

Because it has only been a month, although there are changes, they are not super dramatic.  Positive changes, yes, but nothing to make me go "holy crap".

Then I looked at a comparison between this morning and what I looked like back in July 2012.  I haven't looked at those photos in a while (OK, years), mostly because I am embarassed about how I looked back then.  When I looked at these old photos today I was taken completely aback - - how had I let myself get into that condition?  Now keep in mind, the July 2012 photos show what I looked like after I had been working out for 6 months and had lost 35.7 pounds:

Now prepare to say "holy crap":

If I ever doubted that my hard work was generating results, this comparison eliminates all doubt.  Suddenly, those 3 years of sweat and toil and forcing myself to work out even when I did not feel like it are worth it - - it is working.  My eating habits are much better now, too, which has been another long term learning process.

We'll see where this old girl is in another month.  For now, I feel re-energized in my efforts to eat better and to continue to push myself in my workouts.   

And yes, holy crap.  I am still shaking my head at the changes.  Thank god I was sitting down when I uploaded the photo, or else I could have been badly hurt.

Birthdays always make me take stock

The Earth has traveled around the Sun one more time and I am another year older.  Although it feels as if I aged up all at once, I realize that I have been aging a little bit every day - - the laws of physics will do that.  It just feels like I got old all of a sudden.  I am sure this is due to the Matriarch's not at all endearing habit of considering me the next year's age every year in January.  This could also be why I am so bad at math, now that I think of it.  To add insult to injury all of my fitness trackers now give me credit for burning fewer calories for the same exercise on account of my advanced decrepitude. 

Anyhoo, I am now 47 years old (almost 48, according to the Matriarch).  I have been working out more than 2 and a three-quarter years now and I have lost just over 140 pounds.  Not bad for an old woman.

Looking back on the past year I recognize that this has been a tough one, what with all the job stress and unhappiness at my old firm, my job hunt, the possibility that we would have to move, and quitting my job.  It has also been a very rewarding year, with a wonderful new job, being able to stay in our apartment, doing things I never thought possible, like walking 20 miles for charity in a single day, and my wonderful partner, The Nerd, who was unflinchingly supportive through thick and thin and thinner and thicker.

Taking the long view that I am working on a lifestyle change, I am only marginally upset about being essentially in exactly the same place from a weight point of view as I was 12 months ago.  After all, on the plus side, I am not really heavier than last year, and if I am not any lighter, then I am still successfully keeping my weight loss intact.  This is a major accomplishment considering that the first time that I lost weight I started gaining back almost immediately thanks to reverting back to a sedentary lifestyle and horrible eating habits.

And although I am mathematically 47 years old (to anyone who is not my mother, at any rate), on most days I only feel like I am 36, so I'll take that as a win.  36 was a good year - - it was the year I got into law school, after all.

So here's what a year looks like: not quite 40 miles of hard road yet, I dare say.

Yes, I understand that I am giving my equivalent of the Zoolander "Blue Steel" look in each of my selfies - - I never know how to smile properly.  Deal with it.

Phyllis Cora Langley Feb 9, 1922 - August 31, 2014

My grandmother died today.  That sounds a little dramatic, when it was actually quite anticlimactic - - she had a massive thrombotic stroke on August 26 and although it is likely that whatever consciousness it was that made her her disappeared then, it took her body a few days to follow suit.  I fervently hope that she did not suffer and that she had no awareness of these last few days. 

2007

This all happened a continent away, in Victoria.  I am not certain what arrangements will be made, or if any formal celebration will take place.  The plan as I understand it right now is to cremate her remains and put her urn in the same niche as my grandfather, who died in 2007.  When and how that will happen, I do not know.

July 2007

My grandmother was 92 years old when she died, which is very old for anyone, and especially old for my family.  She had a life full of hardship and joys, frustration and love.  I think she was proud of me, but we had a complicated relationship exacerbated by distance and time.  Looking back I see many of her qualities reflected in me - - her strength, her capacity for taking joy in the little things, and her perseverance in adversity, and I delight in this.

My grandmother fancied herself an author and made several little books, one a genealogy, one a book of her mother's recipes (including the infamous family pie crust recipe of legend), and one a book of stories and musings about her life.

To my shame I never really did more than skim these when my grandmother gave them to me, but I spent the afternoon today reading them all from cover to cover.   My father is doing the same with his copies, likely for the same reason. 

My grandmother was a complicated woman, and reading her history some of her personality makes more sense to me now.  She had a somewhat hardscrabble youth, coming of age through the tough times of the Depression and World War II, and those leave their marks on a person.  I learned a lot about her feelings about her family (conflicted), her favourite colour (red), and her thoughts about her patients when she was a nurse (both protective and judgmental).  I learned that she loved each of her grandchildren of whom I was the first, but that she saw much more of my cousins, and consequently had a much stronger bond with each of them (this much I knew already).

I knew from conversations with her that when my grandparents first married they initially lived in a small trailer - she once even got her photo in the Winnipeg paper preparing dinner in the minuscule trailer kitchenette.  What I did not know was that my grandfather had been a patient in the hospital where she worked, and that they met in the hospital.

My fondest memories of my grandmother are of going on nature walks with her at my grandparents' farm when I was 5-9 years old.  My grandmother introduced me to their local beaver pond and to cattails and Indian Paintbrushes and to frogs.  I only today learned that she didn't like snakes because one once went over her foot when she walked barefoot as a child.  That explains why the local garter snakes never featured in our walks, I suppose (me, I like snakes, so I did not inherit everything from my grandmother).

1970s

I also have a vivid memory of how practical my grandmother was when she killed a chicken for dinner one day, smacking the chicken onto an old stump and chopping its head off with a hatchet with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth, red with her usual bright lipstick.  When my grandmother kissed you with that lipstick you stayed kissed - - it took a lot of scrubbing to get the lip marks off your face. 

I never saw how she coped when all her hard purchased supplies were stolen right before a long rainy weekend with my four cousins, but cope she did and they had a wonderful time without ever seeing the struggle she had to feed them all until the roads opened up. 

Apparently those memories were fond ones for my grandmother as well, because she wrote about one of our nature walks in her book of stories.  I don't remember the specific instance that she was writing about, but it was evocative of so many of our discovery walks around the farm.  I cherished and continue to cherish those memories, especially once I became an adult and moved out east and we drifted apart.

The farm will likely be sold, and it isn't the same anyways since the oil company began pumping oil on the place years ago and it hasn't been a productive farm for decades as a result.  No, the farm will have to live on only in photographs and my memories, and in my grandmother's book of stories.  Perhaps that is the best, as those do not fade and collapse the way the real structures likely have.

So this is a eulogy of sorts for my grandmother, Phyllis Cora, that daughter of homesteaders and migrants, who loved art and family.  Sleep well, grandma, you deserve the rest.  I love you.

New party dress

Yesterday the family went out for dinner at a fancy local restaurant and I finally got the chance to break out a party dress that I had bought months ago in an overabundance of enthusiasm.

Why do I say that I was overly enthusiastic?  Well, the dress is a non-stretchy size 12 for one thing (a tailored satin fabric), and my badonkadonk is only grudgingly contained in that size - - I comfortably wear a size 12 for tops, a 14 for jackets (big shoulders, natch) and a 14 on the bottom for skirts and pants.  I am perfectly happy with this situation, but I fell in love with this dress and it was only available in size 12, alas. 

So I bought the dress anyways (!) and it was relegated to my closet with the "maybe it will fit one day" clothes.  I know we all have these sections in our closets - - the "aspirational" outfits, or the clothes that used to fit that no longer fit, or the hand-me downs...  Done wrong this section can be a depressing memorial to pounds not lost.  I didn't even take the tag off, that's how certain I was that I would never really wear the dress.

Until last night, that is. 

It was the Matriarch's birthday celebration and all my other dresses were various combinations of black*.  I wanted to bust out some colour for a change and thought I would give the dress a chance.  It went on and even zipped up relatively easily**.  I could move and walk and sit down in it.  It did not explode when I attempted any of these manoeveurs, so I brought it upstairs for the big test ... the Nerd.  His reaction would determine whether I wore the Festive Delft Dress.

His reaction was ... extremely gratifying.  That's all I'm going to say about that, other than to note that I wore the dress to dinner last night.  Aside from trying to keep exquisite posture all evening, I was completely comfortable and felt great.

Here is the Festive Delft Dress in all its glory for your viewing pleasure:

I was glad to have had the opportunity to wear the dress out to dinner last night.  The Nerd also dressed up and we both looked rather sharp, if I do say so myself.  A good time was had by all. 




* I completely forgot about the Sparkle Party Dress from last November's Festive Non-Denominational Holiday Party, but as it is a midnight navy that is easily mistaken for black, this dress falls into the same category as the black dresses

** In that it required no additional tools or a team of experts

132.3 pounds down - and another size

It's the beginning of a new month and you know what that means - - summary time!

As you know I have been working out and trying to eat better for about the last two months or so (coincidentally right around the time that I started my fabulous new job).  At the end of June I saw some positive results, but July was really the first full month back on the program.  The program is a bit different than before - - with the training we have been doing for the Weekend to End Women's Cancers 32 km charity walk on September 6, my workouts have shifted from mostly elliptical workouts with some weights to mostly walking outside, with weights and elliptical thrown in on non-walking days. 

I could tell I was doing a lot of walking, because I finished the month at #65 on the total list of steps taken for the Redditors who Fitbit group, out of more than 1,000 people.  That's right, yours truly was in the top 10% of all Redditors who Fitbit according to my steps taken.  Go me!  If you want to friend me on Fitbit I am user #22LQKV.

I was very curious to see the results of all that walking, and the results are now in. 

As for my weight, I lost 12 pounds in July, for a total of 132.3 pounds lost overall.  I am still chipping away at the weight that I had gained as a result of my uncontrolled emotional binge eating during my job search and job change, but I am very happy with my progress now that I have gotten back into my healthy routine.

Put simply, all of the emotional eating and slacking off put me behind by about a full year in that I was around my current weight about this time last year.  And you know what?  That's OK.  I am not in a time-limited contest to beat anyone to a healthy weight, and as long as I am making progress in either my eating habits or my workouts I am not going to beat myself up for past poor decisions.

It's not that the past is past, it's that belabouring past errors doesn't accomplish anything and it only serves to frustrate me in the here and now.  Instead of focusing on that big leap from 185 pounds to 213+ pounds and how fast I can get back down to 185, I am focusing on the steady whittling down from 213+ pounds to where I am now, at 201.6 pounds.   I am not as focused this year about how quickly I can lose the weight since I have found that for me, that leads to unhealthy obsessiveness and general discontent about how slowly the weight comes off.  Rather, I try and make better decisions each day and look to see the weight come off in its own time.  Very zen of me, I know.  I am more and less successful at this kind of laissez-faire attitude depending on the day, but overall I am better at being patient than I was last year, so I will take this as a win.

This time around I try and celebrate the wins more and don't obsess over the minor gains if I am generally sticking to my plan.  As a result, my attitude is much more positive overall, and I feel better about myself and am generally very content with my renewed progress to date.

The measurements show the progress I have made since my May-June reboot (all measurements in inches):

I am not as focused on hitting a particular size as I am to see the positive changes in my body, however going down a size or two, as I have, is still very motivating.  Everything is coming down with the walks, except my calves.  Sheesh - - my Little Lulu cankles are destined to stay with me forever, alas. 

I am pleased to see the measurements come down to a proper size 14, which is well within the zone of being able to shop anywhere I want.  I suspect that my body is actually built to be a natural 14, even though according to my measurements I have gone down to a 12 or even a 10 in some styles (last year, before eating my way back to a 16-18).  Right now I am not going to fuss too much about the sizes and just pay attention to my body and try and wear things that are comfortable regardless of their size.  I tend to favour slightly larger size shorts, jeans and skirts, given that I have a decent badonkadonk, while I can wear smaller sweaters now that the girls are smaller.  Yes, I understand that the previous sentence is full of colourful metaphors for various parts of my anatomy - - deal with it. 

The Nerd and I went down to Columbus Ohio this weekend to visit his parents in their new home.  I spent a lot of time trying to be sensible in the face of all the delicious food - - his family has a delightful tradition of pre-dinner cocktails (complete with snacks) and it is all too easy to eat 300-400 calories just in rye and crackers and cheese and hummus and veggies before the meal even starts.  Yum!  I also tried to make a point of drinking lots of water, since I find that generally American food is higher in sodium than the Nerd and I are used to consuming in the average day.

On a side note, I discovered that I am a rye snob, because our "well" rye at home is Crown Royal, while our "nice" rye is s special edition Crown Royal.  Apparently normal people consider Crown Royal to be their upmarket rye, so it turns out that I have been very spoiled in the Canadian Whiskey department. 

Although the Nerd's mom does engage in short post-meal walks, they are nothing like the multi-mile marches that the Nerd and I have been doing as part of training for our big walk.  But at least it was some physical activity while we were visiting, which is better than sitting on my butt for the entire time.  I remember when I couldn't keep up with the Nerd's parents on their walks, and now I find them to be more of a stroll than a proper walk - - how times have changed!  All in all, it was a wonderful visit and I can't wait to go back.

Speaking of training walks, here is a map of where we have been walking so far, with the coloured lines indicating our walks:

A few points of note regarding the above map.  First, the big triangle is not where the Nerd and I discovered the power of flight, but it is where the GPS extrapolated the subway ride we took from Lawrence West subway station back downtown to finish off one of our walks. 

We also did one walk in which we drove out to the Leslie and Lawrence East area to walk through one of Toronto's many park systems.  You can see this 3.75 mile loop (for 7.5 miles total) all by itself in the top right hand side of the map.  Interestingly, we did another 5.5 mile walk up the Don Valley trail (for an 11 mile round trip) last weekend, and we almost met up with the southern end of our previous park walk.  Perhaps next weekend we will close the loop, as we have a 12.5 mile walk on the schedule for Saturday morning. 

On an personal note, I felt absolutely fine after our 11 mile walk - - a little tired, but in no obvious discomfort.  This is a big improvement over our last 12.5 mile walks and shows the benefit of doing the training plan the right way around. (!)




Finally, I am not sure if I have officially debuted my haircut, which I got just before the third interview for my current job.  I decided that growing out curly hair is just too frustrating, so I went short, as can be seen in this photo of me and my sister from her birthday in June:

I'm the one on the right

When telling each other about the dresses we were wearing we initially thought we had brought the same dress for dinner out, but we were both simply au courant with the current black and white trend.   

August has more of the same on tap - - the Nerd and I will continue our training walks, and expect to walk around 26 miles a week for the next couple of weeks, in preparation for the big charity walk at the beginning of September.  I will try and keep integrating free weights into my workouts 2-3 times a week, keeping the recent additions of reverse crunches and standing calf raises.  And of course, there's the old standby of the elliptical for those days when walks are not planned.